This is to be a place for me to document my thoughts for my son.  It’s not going to be all about me, but rather a view of the world through my eyes and my heart for him; that way he’ll know what was happening on a certain day or time of year, or even a certain year.

I’m a single mother to this little boy.  He’s 7 and growing up too fast.  I wish I could keep him little just a short time longer, but that’s not to be.  We are a team.  We are buddies and we spend lots of time together.  It nearly breaks my heart to think of him leaving one day even though I know he will, and that he has to, and that is a good thing in the course of life.  I do not want my son to cling to his mom when he’s in his 30’s.  I just long for him to stay small just a while longer.

We don’t talk to his father.  I’m not sure why.  Perhaps it started when he missed Ian’s birthday, or didn’t have his phone turned on when Ian called him.  Maybe it was when his new girlfriend’s son locked my son in the basement in the dark.  Maybe it was when “Santa” left Christmas presents on our deck with a note to “call Santa at the North Pole…”  No “I love you son”. I’m not sure when Ian didn’t want to see “dad” anymore, it just all added up, I suppose, for him.  I know it hurts Ian to not have his dad in the picture, but I’m not sure what to do about it.  We’ve gone to counseling and Ian seems to be handling things much better.  He understands that the divorce and the fact that his dad isn’t around anymore is NOT his fault, which is the most important thing for him to come away with.

The lack of a father figure puts a lot of stress on me to always be around, helping, teaching, creating, instructing, loving.  I enjoy most of it.  I’m still not in love with legos like he is, but that’s ok.  :)  I’m frequently told that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, which is sweet.  Lately it’s changed to “you’re the best parent I’ve ever had” and that means more.  To me, it means that I’m doing things right.  I’m just doing things for Ian.  Since I learned I was to have a baby, I’ve been doing things for him.  I believe that it’s the parents’ duty to prepare their children to go out into the world not to “be happy” (although that’s nice!), but to become successful members of society, to contribute to the greater good and not just what seems good to them.

So this blog will be “4ian”.  All about him, my thoughts for him, etc.  I’m not sure yet if I will allow comments, as this will be an online diary for him for later.  Time will tell.

I just wish he’d stay small a short time longer.